After much deliberation and a rather uncomfortable tournament style bracket of television shows, I have narrowed it down to only a handful of shows that I love. These shows incorporate all of the elements that I am looking for in a good show. The writing is clever, the characters are believable, the scenarios are believable/ or explained in a way that makes them believable, and the actors performances are spot on. Here is my final list:

Dexter: It is a story about a blood splatter expert that kills other serial killers. (Great show, I never miss an episode). In a 12 episode season; 7 episodes are great, 3 are mediocre and 2 are usually pretty boring.

Grey’s Anatomy: It is about a hospital in Seattle and the Doctors that work in the hospital. Usually the episodes are full of interesting sub-plots but sometimes the stories fall apart and watching the show turns my stomach but for some reason I never miss an episode. In a 24 episode season; 5 episodes are great, 10 episodes are mediocre and 9 episodes are pretty boring.

The League: It is about a bunch of knuckleheads who are in a fantasy football league. The jokes are usually pretty clever and the sub-plots are usually funny. However, on occasion they miss the mark and the show turns into something less than funny and more of a gross out. Out of a 12 episode season; 7 super funny episodes, 3 slightly funny episodes and 2 pretty awful episodes.

Homeland: Great show, a bit out of touch with reality but Claire Danes deserves every award that is available to win. In fact they should make up awards just to give to her. She is unbelievable in the show. Every episode is great. Essentially their standards for the show are exactly where they should be. Plus as an added bonus Mandy Patinkin is in it. What is that you say “Inigo Montoya is in it?” Yes he is and he is amazing.

The Big Bang Theory: This is my favorite show and I love every episode. At heart I am a big nerd and this show makes me feel cool. Pretty girl plus nerd talk makes me very happy.

Honorable mentions:

Hell’s Kitchen,

Kitchen Nightmares,

Mad Men,

and

Sons of Anarchy

I am going to make this short because you are going to see this movie whether I tell you that it is good or bad.

Shane Black is a highly regarded screenwriter in Hollywood. He has written films such as: Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Last Boy Scout, Last Action Hero, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and now Iron Man 3. To give him some credit, big budget superhero movies have a huge writing staffs that the studio provides to the main writer. Most writers have their own part of the story that they want to focus on thus the film ends out being un-even and poorly executed. This is exactly what happened with Iron Man 3. The movie begins with a goofy sensibility that reminds me of the cold beginning of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (really good movie) but the opening could have worked with any kind of movie. With A superhero action movie you want it to hit the ground running. You want the screen to be filled with explosions and constant motion. In Iron Man 3, the film seems like an independent film in the beginning. It seems lacks originality and does not allow us, the viewers, to involved ourselves in the story. Here is the problem that I had with it, Iron Man 2 is ten times better than Iron Man 3. Mickey Rourke was a great villain and the villain in this film is just a cliched version of every villain you have ever seen in an action film. His words fall out of his mouth like particles of feces in my coffee. The words seem illogical, uneven and lazy.

Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was a good actor? Me either. She proves that she is still horrible in this film. Remember when Iron Man was a big baby with PTSD? Me either. Well in this film he certainly has it. Oh, he is also a pansy who mopes a lot.

What a massive disappointment. Iron Man 3 is. It is lazy and boring. In fact I saw the film in a large theater and no less than ten people fell asleep.

I will admit when I agreed to see the movie The Evil Dead, I was nervous. I wasn’t just nervous I was shaking with all of the fear of a death row inmate taking small steps towards the electric chair. I imagined stepping into a fiery inferno where the devil himself spit out Gary Busey type anagrams.

The theater I chose was the most comfortable and trendy theater in the county I live in. The chairs were not chairs but recliners. The people were not people but were moving magicians floating in the atmosphere. Okay, the floating magicians were a bit of a stretch but the chairs were recliners. Not just recliners but the kind of recliners that make you feel like you are laying on a beautiful bed of clouds thus the floating comment.

After my friend sat next to me, she looked up at the screen and then kicked her shoes off with all of the excitement of a young child. It was as if I had introduced her to the world. As if I had shown her how to shoot magical bolts of lightning from her fingertips.  I have never in my life been as happy as she was at that single moment.

The movie began with a satanic trance and from that point forward it dug deeper and deeper into a dark, twisted, gore-fest that included dismemberment, chain saws, fire and rivers of blood.

Needless to say, the story line was nonsense, the movie itself was terribly written and the performances were terrible. However, the movie did not take itself seriously, it used the violence in a way that was almost comical and ultimately the film itself was satisfying.

Surprisingly enough I was perfectly entertained for the entire movie watching experience. It was gross and gory but somehow it worked in a way that shocked me. It worked on a level that I was not sure that I would appreciate but somehow I was. I would encourage you to give it a chance and allow yourself to be scared, allow yourself to follow along with the insanity and enjoy the ride.

If you ever watch IFC (Independent Film Channel) you have probably seen a few of the promotion packages for the show Maron. Just to be clear here, I have for the last three years listened to the podcast that Marc Maron produces (http://www.wtfpod.com/) I find it wildly entertaining. With that being said, his television show is essentially stories that he has either told on his podcast or on his stand-up specials. Maybe it is his down-on-his-luck persona that he forces you to gleam onto or it could be his incessant need to scream “like me!” in a hidden almost Machiavellian way. It is as if his thoughts of self-destruction are in some way the fault of the audience. As if his anger falls into a single category of pain and suffering but should be appreciated and watched by all. His Father doesn’t pay attention to him, his Mother is distance, his girlfriend doesn’t exist (in the show as of yet) and he has cats. Well, welcome to the world Marc Maron your life sucks join the club.

Furthermore, Marc displays all of the charisma of a catatonic monk seemingly frowning and shrugging his way into the scene. At no point is his character believable, relate-able or in any way sincere.

From what I understand he is friends with Louis CK. The show Louie is one of the smartest written shows on television and Maron should sit Louis Ck down and ask “hey, how did you do that?” and then whatever Louis tells him he should do.

Maron, the show lacks creativity, it lacks focus, it lacks relate-ability, and it lacks the ability for Marc to see himself for his flaws. If, in fact, the show began with him sleeping in late and waking up to a really big women in his apartment and then didn’t know how to get rid of her so he made her his assistant that would be really funny. Or if he did a Podcast from his garage and the fire inspector showed up because the garage wasn’t up to code, that would be really funny. Or if he had a stand-up gig and he was trying to tell jokes but they kept yelling at him about his recent guest and how they walked out, that would be funny

I guess the bottom line is that if he had a better writer for the show than it could be a really great show but as it stands now it is a bit mediocre.

This is essentially the problem of people who can’t get their hands out of every aspect of a show. You either need to be a writer, a performer, or a Producer. Only the great ones can do it all: Jerry Seinfeld, Louis Ck………And sadly Marc Maron is not someone who should do it all. He needs a writing staff and he should focus on being better on screen. Although he might not have enough charisma to even pull that off.

I recently applied to work as a fire dispatcher for Pierce county. I was surprised when I received an email that requested my presence in order to take the written exam. I was really excited. I thought that I was one step closer to working for the county. When I arrived at the exam site I was presented with a test booklet, a pencil and a room full of 156 applicants. I was bummed. Before the exam began I attempted to start a conversation with a young lady next to me. I asked her if she had taken an exam like this before. She looked at me confused and stated “Are you asking if I have ever taken an exam in my life?” I responded with “No, have you taken an exam like this before.” She replied with “I took exams in high school.” Literally she was explaining to me the fact that in her life that at some point she had taken an exam. I wanted to raise my hand and tell one of the proxies that she was too stupid for the exam but instead I opened my test booklet.

One of the proxies instructed us that there were 156 of us and 1 job available. I have a 1/156 chance of working for the county. What a ridiculous percentage. While I was sure that I wasn’t the smartest person in the room but I was sure that I was smarter than at least one person.

For the next thirty minutes I filled in bubbles on my answer sheet.

I really hope the girl that I was sitting next to doesn’t have children because she will spread her low IQ onto future generations.

I text therefore I am.

The two movies we will discuss today both have very strange settings. Both of the films are visually appealing but both of them lack a connection to the audience and a sense of reality. I suppose that what I find the most appealing about film, in general, is the connection I feel for the main character. For example, in my favorite movie (The Secret of My Success) I felt for the desperation and path of the main character played by Michael J. Fox. I suppose that most of the films that are created by the Hollywood machine lean more on action and less on character studies…..Oh well.

Oblivion:

I am not sure why Tom Cruise, who can choose from most of the scripts in Hollywood, makes his choices. His last few films Jack Reacher and Oblivion both lacked creativity. Jack Reacher was a completely ho-hum affair and Oblivion lacked an emotional connection. The opening of the film is fun but when you establish a characters setting via voice-over and then use the same dialogue to explain to another character where they are, it gets to be a little obnoxious. That being said, essentially this film is about Earth being destroyed by an alien race who wiped out civilization. For some reason there is some kind of arc that people live on in space. There are also a few rebel camps on Earth that, for the most part, is not explained. Instead of watching this film, you should watch the movie Moon. It stars Sam Rockwell who is a lot better than Tom Cruise in basically the same role and it is directed by Duncan Jones. Oblivion is silly non-sense that makes you believe that Hollywood has run out of script ideas. It is visually appealing and Tom Cruise does his best to emote but it lacks a clear direction and it keeps flipping on its head. First we are told that the world is a certain way and then we are told it is a completely different way and then there is a girl (of course there is), and then there are dreams (of course there are) and then someone has to save the rebels (of course) and then the machines turn on the humans (of course) and then the rebels solve a bunch of issues in twenty seconds of movie time (of course they do) and then everyone is smiling and having a good time even-though a bunch of people died and everything that they have known throughout their entire lives has ended (of course). So go see this movie if you want to be entertained by visual effects and left in the cold in regards to character arc and any sense of caring about your level of entertainment. Truthfully you can do better. This movie is comparable to the lady with the fake boobs at the bar. If she shows you a lot of cleavage at the bar than she is probably not that bright, just like the movie.

Pain & Gain:

What do you get when you place a big budget film director (Michael Bay), Mark Wahlberg, The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), and Anthony Mackie together? Garbage.

Pain & Gain starts out with a lot of promise. Mark Wahlberg is believable as a broke fitness instructor who believes in the American dream. We learn this in the first two minutes of the movie in a voice-over montage that seemingly every single character has a shot at. The movie plays as a traveling narration via multiple characters. It is never focused, we never get a clear vision of any of the characters. Each story-line seemed interesting but none of them were fleshed out. It was as if the movie was attempting to throw a buffet at the audience and say “pick anything here that you like, please like me.” It feels desperate, it feels disconnected. Way too much stuff happens in the film. None of the characters seem authentic and the story is based on reality. Seemingly the film-maker left out his ability to let the characters breathe a little. He didn’t allow for the characters to just be accepted and grow on the audience. For example, Mark Wahlberg in the film Boogie Nights sat n a drug dealers couch for three minutes and the audience was completely with him. He is a good actor when he is forced into it but in this occasion he was forced to go from scene to ridiculous scene without a moment of honesty.

The worst part of this film is that it had the potential to be great but it fell short. It felt forced. It felt like the actors were going through the motions. It had such great potential. It reminds me of the show Quantum Leap. It had so much potential but the Producers ran the show into the ground by injecting nonsense into the story-line. Just like in Quantum Leap the actors could have done so much more.

I would love to say to the Producers “Hey, you had Mark Wahlberg, Tony Shalhoub (Monk), The Rock, Anthony Mackie and Rebel Wilson and you couldn’t make a good movie? Seriously?”

I felt a small droplet of sweat fall from my forehead. I felt the constant twinge of my vocal cords vibrating. I heard myself spit out the same words for the tenth time “yes, my name is Stephen. I own a small business. I work from home. I don’t have a car but I can afford one if I ever need one.”

For the majority of the event I felt judged.

Initially I signed up for the speed dating event because I envisioned a long line of gorgeous women fighting for my affection. I envisioned a complete understanding of who I am as a person reflected back to me in the eyes of an angel.

I was sizing up my competition. There was the guy that looked like an accountant, the guy who obviously still lived with his parents, the massively overweight guy, the uni-brow guy and the guy with the dirty porn star mustache. Needless to say, I felt as though I was firmly seated at the top of the food chain thus would be able to meet someone special at the event. I guess I wanted to be noticed and feel special and then it happened. The door opened and the opening guitar lick from Van Halen’s Panama  filled the room while  a flock of white doves cascaded from the door. The entire room turned to look at the door and there he was.  He looked like Bradley Cooper and wore a suit.  I immediately settled on the idea that I was not going to get any play at the speed-dating event.

His name was Ace. How can anyone be named Ace and not be cool. He was/ is an attorney.  He is handsome (damnit), he is smart (I base that entirely on the Attorney thing), and he had a smile that made me want to kiss him even though I am totally heterosexual.

I am sweating. Why am I sweating? Is she interested in me? Am I sweating too much and she can tell? Does she think that I am too fat for her? I have layers on….. Does she want me to smile at her? I hope I don’t have anything in my teeth. She is looking around now? Why! Why, is she looking around? Is she looking at my receding hairline? Do I have a receding hairline? Maybe I can look into the mirrored picture behind her to see if I have a receding hairline… Wait, did she just say something?

She mutters over the loud music, “So what do you do for a living?”

I launch into my spiel about my life “My name is Stephen (it says it on my name tag), I own a small business (www.swiftbend.com). I work from home. I don’t have a car but I can afford one (the second part of that is a lie).”

She is silent after the grotesque words fall out of my mouth and then she mumbles “do you know Ace.”

After five minutes of her asking me about Ace, someone that I don’t know, the bell rings.

The next woman is named Ann. Ann smiles and nods.  Ann has the largest cold sore I have ever seen in my life. She asks me what I do but I stare at the cold sore.  I go into my spiel.  Then she asks me about Ace.

“Am I too old for this?” I ask myself.  The woman in front of me seems confused because I have been mumbling to myself for the entire five minutes. She then leans in and asks me about Ace.

I pulled my name tag off after the tenth person asked me about Ace.  I asked for another name tag. My plan was to re-write my name as Ace but the host asked me not to.

I secretly hope Ace has a venereal disease. He probably doesn’t. He probably is wealthy and smart and those stupid doves follow him everywhere he goes all the while Panama from Van Halen plays.

This seems totally legit right?

My Name is Patrick Chan I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is the sum of
$22,500,000.00 in my bank"Hang Seng Bank",Hong kong.

I wish to make a transfer of the $22,500,000.00 .I do solicit for you assistance in effecting this transaction.I intend to give  you 30% of the total
funds as compensation for your assistance.

Should you be interested please send me an email on my private email(chanprivacy@wss-id.org)

1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Regards,
chanprivacy@wss-id.org
Patrick Chan.

http://swiftbend.com/blog/?p=184

-Stephen

The two movies I will be discussing today will be The Place beyond the Pines and The Host.   These two films are completely opposite in scope and style and one of them should be buried alive post torturing.

The Place Beyond the Pines:

I saw this film in a small independent theater called The Grand Cinema. The Grand Cinema is a beautiful theater that is small but has a lot of character. The movie is not just a movie but is a three part arc that most movies miss out on. It has the beginning where the problem is presented and the middle where there seems to be a resolution but then and un-expectantly you are treated to another, more satisfying, resolution. The movie is a masterpiece and should be treated as such. Ryan Gosling is exceptional in it. Bradley Cooper’s performance is subtle yet satisfying and Ava Mendes portrays her character in a very believable and interesting way. The third act goes flat for a short period of time but builds up for a very independent film type feel leading into the final minutes. The film is engaging and interesting. The characters are relate-able and played subtly. It is very heavy hearted but a very satisfying and great film. I highly recommend it.

The Host:

I am going to make this very short. The Host might be the worst film I have ever seen. The characters made very little sense. The plot was silly. The voice-over was completely illogical. The editing was sloppy. The dialogue was boring. The entire film made me want to vomit. I hated every second of it and would rather watch elderly people vomit into a container full of live bees who then attack me with vulture type venom and rip my entire face off then watch this movie again.